My 4/20 Story
So being from Colorado I have access to certain… hobbies… that are legal here and not elsewhere. Yesterday I took full advantage of this situation and found myself in a little pickle. After consuming some edibles of the special variety I decided to take a walk around my neighborhood. Seems like an innocent thing to do on 4/20 right? Well, I get to the park and there’s a children’s birthday party going on among other things and some people with dogs playing catch. I take a seat on the bench and next thing you know a small child runs up to me and was bawling. He was probably 4 or 5 years old and under extreme duress. “Where is my mommy!? Where is my mommy!?” the boy kept repeating over and over and over. Mind you this is occurring just as my edibles are reaching full force: I’m fucking blazed. Also, I’m easily tossed into a bad mindset when shit goes south, so my brain was really freaking out. I try and reckon with myself first and then tell the kid that everything is going to be ok. I stand up and survey the park. I ask the kid if anyone in sight was his mom. Nope, he shakes his head in the negative. So we were kind on the bottom of the hill and the park extends further up where there’s more tables and bathrooms etc. I tell him to come with and we could look up there. He was hesitant and would only comply if I held his hand. Now I’m even more paranoid. What if his mom comes and sees me holding his hand high off my ass. That’s not gonna look good. But he wouldn’t budge otherwise and I really wanted to get this kid off my back so I comply with his one request. So we’re trudging up the hill when I hear this yelling from behind me. I turn around to see a woman frantically running towards me screaming belligerently.
Before I can process the situation she snatches the kid, places him behind her as if guarding him from me, and then starts spewing expletives towards me in a barrage which my brain could barely register. The words “cops”, “motherfucker”, and “jail” seeped through my edible-altered filters. After a good 10 seconds I realize that she thinks I was kidnapping her kid. “No! I- uh, he- we were just looking for you!” But it was all lost among her onslaught of threats and aggression. “Look lady, I’m leaving now. Your kid came up to me and we went to find you.” The mother pulls out her phone and threatens to call the cops. Just then a man comes running up and announces himself as an off duty police officer. “What seems to be the problem?” The woman argues for my arrest. Then I argue for my Samaritanism. Fortunately the cop had noticed the little boy wander to me and told the woman that my intentions didn’t seem malicious. It took her a while to calm down, but Jesus was that the worst 4/20 ever. After that I went straight home, popped on the latest Better Call Saul, and faded into the infinity of a house without children, police, or crazy moms.